Shelly Nyo

Sometimes, whether intentionally or unintentionally, we find ourselves in a season of waiting. Maybe we’re dating and trying to look for the right spouse, yet not gaining any ground. Or maybe we’ve been applying for a job in a specific industry and not having any luck. Whatever the case, life will not always give us what we want when we want it.

Some desires are those that we know are circumstantial. The job application, or the current dating relationship. Other desires seem to carry more weight – living my purpose in life and cultivating healthy, meaningful relationships. For me, its the latter two clarion calls that seem to become louder as I grow into my 30’s.

What do we do when we have an unfulfilled desire that we cannot meet of our own volition? More specifically, what do we do when the relationship that we don’t have seems to consume our thoughts? I use the rule of substitution.

Yes, substitution. I try to distract myself with some activity, hobby, or cause that takes my mind off the feeling of need. For me, this has been Netflix, working on a hobby, or taking up a new cause. I work to live for something greater than myself; I make sure my life is focused on the source – Christ. Another thing I do is start listing the pros and cons of where I am now, as opposed to where I think I want to be (i.e., married). Although I ultimately want marriage, is it something I want today? How would my life be different? Am I ready for that? Forcing myself to focus on the good in my life as it currently is and on the activities I’m blessed to participate in is usually enough. However, simply forcing myself not to think about something has never quite done the trick. And it doesn’t ever seem to work.

I also pay attention to when the feeling of “need” shows up. What are the triggers? Is it when someone points out that I am single? I had a few neighbors during this COVID season who have expressed their concern for me because I am single. Although I appreciate the attention to my marital status, it does cause me to start thinking about my marital status (vicious cycle, yes). I begin to wonder if I have fallen behind in some aspect of my life in comparison to the rest of society. Then the sense of contentment with my life, my private mental utopia, disappears, and I begin to compare myself to married friends. In turn, I feel sorry for myself. “I have been left behind,” “its too late,” “am I even capable of love?” The thoughts flood my mind. And then it happens. My “ideal husband” pops into my mind and won’t leave. I find myself feeling as though until I actually have him in my life, my life is less than complete …

Other times when the feeling of need shows up is when I have either failed or succeeded at something. In the prior case, I just want someone to comfort me. I want someone to meet me in that moment, especially if it is a less than ideal one, and help me cope with the loneliness. In the latter case, I imagine myself living my best life. In those days, I’m on top of the world!

Knowing why I’m feeling needy enables me to put a name to my need, which in turns makes it, well, at least less than bigger than life. Although the desire for a relationship can still be hard to stop thinking about, I know that ultimately, the feeling of neediness will go away. It will change because, like hunger, neediness is temporal.

Obedience and purity, I have found, often require being intentional — not going certain places and avoiding certain situations, even if they are OK for other people. All this is done knowing that God is faithful to give us exactly what we need when we need it, as he does for the sparrows “²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26. One of the things I try to remember during such times is that God loves me. I am valuable to Him, and there is not a thing that is important to me that has fallen out of His sphere of caring. If this is true of my physical needs for food, clothing, etc., I can only imagine that it is true of relationships as well.

The verse that I have chosen for this post is Galatians 5:16-17, “¹⁶ So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.”